On the High Dive in My Red Polka Dot Swimsuit

Christine Wright inspired me in her blog post, Living Joel 2:25: Just Like Before (But With a Cuter Swimsuit).  I was responding to her in the comment section,  and I realized that what she wrote resonated so deeply, that what I was doing was writing a blog post.  So I hope you read this, Christine, and see how God spoke to me through your God-sized dream.

Wearing a red polka dot two-piece swimsuit, not a bikini -- my mother would never have allowed it -- I climbed up the steps to the high-dive, because I wanted to know I could jump off a high dive.  With familiar dread I looked over the edge, afraid yet desiring to jump;  therefore, with the angst of a fourteen year old that did not want to fail in front of her peers, I jumped and belly-flopped.  With teenage nonchalance, I swam to the side of the pool, despite my pain.  Deep in the core of my being, I was thankful to be intact;  I was horribly embarrassed;  I was shaken; and I was jubilant:  because, I had faced my fear.  Thanks to Christine, I began to remember many jumps of faith in my life. 

One would think leaps of faith would get easier, but after having been tested and scarred, some things got harder.  When I was young, I had the naive, kind of open faith in which I believed that I would always be happy, as long as I was following God's will.  Because had been protected from the world in many ways, I saw God as my benevolent Father that would get me through anything.  The only thing is I did not really know how Anything can shake you to the core, where you are barely clinging to God the Father.  I thank Him for keeping me afloat when I felt like I was drowning and I would not survive.  I thank Him for the scriptures in the Bible that gave me glimpses of His radiance and filled me with hope.  Without God's hand holding me afloat, I would surely have sunk.

Memories, of the things that hurt so deeply in the past. still send  a pang of pain through my heart.  That is why I think it is unwise to linger in the past too long, especially when God has gently helped me back to the place where I have been making new leaps of faith.  Let's change that word from leaps to steps.  As a person who has several chronic illnesses, which significantly changed what I could do physically, He showed me in my quest that I needed to go back to my inner child, to remember how I began to walk, how I learned to be a fully functional person.  This was how I learned to take baby steps to living my life in a body that is not the same.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart:  and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light  (KJV, Matthew 11:28-30).

Some people might say, "Why don't you ask God to heal you?"  I have, and I know that in time this will happen, whether here on this earth or in heaven.  Healing of my body is not the most important thing to me.  What is most important is my relationship with God, and whether I am following Him.  I have learned things through the difficulties of life, that I would have learned no other way.  Rather than my path having become smaller, I feel like 

God has enlarged my path by teaching me what I need to know to be who I am now.  By no means am I saying any of the pain I have experienced in life has come from God.  In fact, I would say that the bad things I have experienced were definitely Not from the Lord.  He has allowed me to be tested, to experience things I never dreamed of experiencing when I was young.  And praise be to God, I am happy and trusting Him.  Now.  Still trusting -- and wanting to trust with the faith of a child.

At that time the disciples came to Jesus and said, “Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, “Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me... (NASB, Matthew 18:1-5)

"Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE®, Copyright © 1960,1962,1963,1968,1971,1972,1973,1975,1977,1995 by The Lockman Foundation. 
Used by permission."   

Difficult Assignment - well today, it is.

My assignment today is difficult, because I admit that I am depressed.  And right now, it is not invisible, because I am in the same nightgown I have had on for 3 or 4 days.  That sounds gross, and it is an awkward thing to admit.  However, that is part of being ill sometimes -- having awkward, embarrassing things you don't want to admit.  Being this way does not fit my picture of who I am when I am feeling better -- or the person I was before I was ill.  Yes, I know it does not seem to be in the category of Living Better With Invisible Illness;  however, it is something one has to get through when having an invisible illness.  Right now, I am tired of myself, and I realized today, I am like a kid saying, "No, Dad or Mom, I don't want to get up.  I am not going to do it.  It hurts...I'm scared...I refuse...I, I, I, I , I."  

So even though I look and feel like a mess, I am going to step out to do my God-Sized Dream assignment, which is to write about another time I took a positive step in my life. 

This is not me or one of my professors,
but it reminds me of the days I  had
 a professor teaching me how to use
a computer;   and I'm thankful for it.
Image courtesy
 of [Ambro]/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Going back to school after having been married for 17 years and having 3 children was a frightening step for me.  I was comfortable being a wife, a mom, singing in the choir and being Children's Choir Coordinator and director for one of the Children's Choirs.  However, going back to school with teenagers, going to class, and taking tests was daunting.  I had prayed about doing it, but I was still afraid;  until, I saw senior adult ladies with white hair at the college orientation.  When I saw them, I knew I could do it.  If they had the nerve to go back to school as 62-70 somethings, I was going to do it too.  And I did one step at a time

Each step I took gave me more self-confidence as I excelled in learning.  Oh how I enjoyed it!  I was in my niche, and God was right there with me.  Little did I know, I would not be teaching as I had planned, but I would be writing.  However, I didn't know I would be writing about falling down and getting up again, time after time.  But isn't life like that?  Things don't always go our way, or so we think;  but I can trust the God of the Universe, the Creator, the One who knows how many hairs are on my head, and where my path leads.  He revives me, even when I don't think I am ready for revival.  He helps me to take one more baby step on this rocky path, and I grab His hand knowing I can trust my God.  

I just took this step, now I can take another.  Is it so hard to get in the shower?  I don't think so.

Baby Steps to My God-Sized Dreams

Tuesday is my designated blog day for looking at the progress I am making on my God-Sized Dream.  I didn't think I would like tying myself down;  but in fact, I think this is going to increase my accountability.  Some people might think of the dreams I listed last week as my new year's resolutions, but they are not that at all.  They are dreams of growth and fulfillment, and I may add to those dreams;  because I see things in my life I need to work on.  And I bet you thought this was a blog about creating things, or things that inspire me to create.  Well, it is.

When I read Holley Gerth's blog last week is set a spark off in me to continue what I have begun, and to spend time with God to ask Him about my dreams.  This week, I've had physical setbacks and spiritual setbacks;  however, I think seeking to follow God's will in my life is always a worthy goal.  You see, these dreams of mine are dreams that are part of me, because that is how God made me.  Also, He has been showing me what can be achieved in baby steps the whole of this past year.  Well, really longer than that--I have been involved in having God-sized dreams and walking in baby steps for many years now.

However, Holley's assignment was not to write about the progress I made in 2012, but to write about what step I took this week.  I listed 5 dreams last week:

Read the Bible through in one year.

Write a book or two or three...

Paint on one of my empty canvases, starting this month.

Organize my life better - more on that on one of my other blogs, probably.

Be a better wife, mother, grandmother, sister, and friend.

I have been able to work on three of the things on this list --  not perfectly, not everyday, but I'm making progress.

I'm just a busy Bee, Deborah

I'm catching up on my Bible readings, and I see improvements I can make to become more disciplined in this area of my life.  I have let my mind become so busy, I sometimes let the clutter take over and distract me from my goals;  therefore, I need to turn off the television and the computer more often.  When I was a young mother I often prayed and meditated as I did my household chores, but that is hard to do with the television blaring.  Also, I need to exercise self-control over using the computer, which I have taken to just like my son said I would.  Back in the 1990's I wasn't comfortable with the idea of using the internet, and I felt clueless when it came to doing anything technical with computers.  Now, I am doing and understanding how to do things I never thought I would get:  sometimes, I even feel a little geeky.

Organization will help every area of my life, and I have made some strides in that area this week.  For all you people that know the secret of the shiny sink, mine looks great!  And on that note, I feel complete in my report.  I am happily getting order back to the house after Christmas holidays.  Hooray!  This has been a hard time of year for me the last few years;   but this year, I feel encouraged, instead of discouraged, despite the Enemy's attempt to decimate my good cheer.  If you don't know who the Enemy is, he is kind of like the of like "the one who should not be named"  in the Harry Potter books, only worse.

Let me end with God bless you and keep you, and may His face shine upon you, and give you peace.

Here is a link to Holley Gerth's January 15, 2013 blog post and other God-Sized dreamers.