Not Giving Up

My heart felt broken again, 

Threatened by my old enemy.

    Depression

      attacking

                despite

                         My Efforts 

                               to keep on going. 

Not wanting to go back to giving

      my well-being 

             over to a failed

      pharmaceutical, 

THAT

      never completely worked, 

      causing other problems

         I   D O N ' T

      have to deal with anymore.

Prayer
Work
Scripture
Rest
Faith that the process will work:
the depression won''t last.

I have to find another way:

Give it time.

Don't give in to the feelings.

Feel them.

Then,

Move on.

Keep moving.

Hey!  

It's working!

Prayer

Talking to a Friend

A Little Pink

Work

Scripture

Less Worry

   

and

Stepping back to the things that give me peace, 

I am breathing free again.

Finding Beauty Instead of Depression

Friday, I started feeling depressed;  so, I asked myself, "Why did I feel that way, and what did I want to do about it?".  If you deal with chronic illness of any type, you are probably not a stranger to depression, so it probably doesn't sound odd to you. 

I was also reminded that not everyone understands.   Earlier in the week, being told that I seem preoccupied with my illness didn't go over too well with me.  Have you ever tried to explain something about your illness, and you got the message you would feel better if you didn't think about it or talk about it?  What other people don't realize is you would do something to get better if you could.  Maybe, you are doing all you can do now.  

It is depressing when you are disgusted with the situation you are in.  It is a definite downer when you are reminded of the things you used to do, and now it takes so much energy, you wonder if you can gain ground.  You may feel stuck in a terrible rut.  You may want to kick yourself and say, "Get up!  Do something about this."
  

Image Courtesy of [Salvatore Vuono]/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was there this week.  Kicking myself would have accomplished nothing.  I did not want to do anything.    Even, my own blogs looked depressing to me.  It's OK to laugh.  When I get depressed, I can be so pitifully affected by some things. So, what did I do?  I started looking at the faces of cheery looking blogs.  I decided to change something I could change.  What I did is not exactly what I had in mind, but it works for me. I made a new header and found a new background for this blog.  I am going to see whether or not I take to it.  And, if I don't, I may do something by hand with minor use of the computer. 

Tomorrow, I plan to do something that takes more action than sitting in a chair.  I think I am out of my rut.  I hope.   Also, I am very happy that everyday is a new day.  There is always hope for a better tomorrow.  

God bless you all, and I hope you have a great week.

Deborah   xoxo

Letter to a Friend

One part of life to another
adds a link in the chain to wholeness.

Dear Joy, I pray we can continue to follow Him and encourage one another, even while afflicted.  I haven't talked much about the darkness I suffered,  before I found out that I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  My immune system was compromised:  I had infections and viruses, and depression.  At the worst, I despaired of even my life.  I longed for God to take me home.

Someone I was very close to had taken her life in the 1990's.  I think with that and the other huge stressors in my life, as well as my genetic make-up, my body could not fight anymore.  There were so many times I despaired.  Even with medication for depression and with counseling, I did not get better.  I threw the book Happiness is a Choice by Minirth and Meier in the garbage, because I knew Jesus as my Savior, I had been living a Christian life for many years, and I was not getting better from reading their book.  I am not saying it is a bad book, but it was not the answer for me.  It wasn't my spiritual life making me sick, even though, I had growing to do.  But then, that should be the case with any Christian of any age:  never stop growing in the Lord.

I asked God to show me the way, to show me what was wrong with me.  Finally, something clicked, and I found out I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  The doctor also told me I have Fibromyalgia, but I knew that already.  It was not until 15 years later with the appropriate hormones and supplements, the roller coaster actually slowed down.  The depression went away first.  I no longer had the severe swings.  I learned so much in that time, because I was finally able to focus better.  Before treatment, I went through about 7 months, that I was hardly able to focus at all.  I could not read more than one or two verses from the Bible at a time, but I could pray.  And when I couldn't, I know the Holy Spirit prayed for me.

What I have just written this afternoon, came out of something I wanted to tell you.  I did think about taking my life at times during the depressed years.  I thought of it, but the Holy Spirit (God) would speak to me.  He would remind me how _  _ _ _ _ taking her life affected me, that I would not want to do that to my friends and family.  I also want to add it was usually a fleeting thought, not something  on which I dwelt.

I have put my life in God's hands.  I have flares and remissions.  I seem to get weaker and weaker in body;  yet, in some ways I actually feel stronger because of the Lord.  Somewhere, I once read that the way people feel, who have CFS/ME, is akin to the way people feel when they have cancer.  Often, I have felt it is like slow torture.  However, I know that my overlapping conditions and the FM/CFS have brought me into this part of my life, which is smack-dab where I am supposed to be.  There are things I understand now, that would not have been entirely real to me, had I not experienced these afflictions.

I firmly believe that God has each of us here for a reason.  Everything that happens in our lives can be useful for bringing us to a point, that we are a light in this world for Him.  He can turn our sorrows and afflictions into victories and joy.  Knowing Joy is something I can feel right now, as I share, because I am in Him.

I cannot say I will never feel low again.  Satan and his cohorts do try to get us down, hoping we will not be used by God.  But love is of God, and we know Him.  "You are from God, little children and have overcome them;  because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world."  (NASB, 1 John 4:4)

Blessings to you,  my friend and  to all who struggle with illness and with the adversities of life.  I pray for those who do not know the Lord of all, that they will come to know the one who loved us enough to send His only Son to suffer for our sins.  Amen.

You Are An Investment - you could be a God-sized dreamer

Original Art by D. Bolton

I didn't write for my God-sized dream last week, the assignment that Holley Gerth gives us God-sized dreamers to teach us and to encourage us to pray and think about where God is taking us, or what step God might want us to take next.  And it just hit me, although I have never had an official life coach, that Holley is life-coaching us.  She is being a shepherd, but she is encouraging us to go to the Shepherd of all shepherds and sheep, Jesus.  Maybe, I will go back and do last week's assignment another day this week;  but for right now, I am going to write despite the band of pain around my head,  because I am not too fatigued to think clearly.  

Here is this week's assignment:

Take this "do what you can" step for your God-sized dream:  Find a way to pay it forward.    You've been encouraged in your God-sized dreams by your sisters here the last few months.  How can you spread that encouragement forward by investing in other dreamers?  It can be small and simple or BIG and wild.  Ask God what you can do and get creative.  

At first, I felt a little flummoxed by this request, but I realize I am already doing that in the area of getting my home decluttered.  This is one of my God-sized dreams.  The other one especially for this year is reading my Bible all the way  through.  

 

Image Courtesy of[Grant Cochrane]/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Have you ever seen the picture of the cat hanging on to the tree limb by it's nails?  When you are ill every day, that is often how you feel --like you are barely hanging on.  It has nothing to do with whether you have faith in Jesus Christ.  It is like being constantly battered, until you have only faith left.  And if Satan could take that away from you, he would.  But He can't.  He may cause you to doubt, but he and all his cohorts cannot separate you from the love of God, absolutely not!  

Read Romans 8: 31-39.

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?  He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?  Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth.

Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?  As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (KJV)

For years, I struggled, I read books, I read the Bible, I went to doctors, and I was not able to be the person I was before I got sick.  Guess what I discovered.  I would never be that person again.  God had been allowing me to go through the valley of the shadow of death, only instead of dying and going to heaven (believe me --I would have much preferred heaven), He had something He wanted me to do.  And that thing is what I am doing now.

If I had never been sick and if I had not been down to the very depths of my soul, I could not do what I am doing now.  And because of that I have been able to do more than I thought I could do, because God gives me the strength.  And when I don't know what to write, He pulls it out of me.   And I rejoice in the confusion and adversity I have experienced, when I see how crystal clear God can make even one moment of the reason for my life, as it is.  I rejoice in Him, because His Word tells me to rejoice. 

Sometimes, when I  write I feel the same joy and closeness to God that I experience in  worship.  And is it so strange to think that our lives  should be engaged in praise to Him in all we do?  Not to me, although I know that is not always so, because I am not perfect, so not every moment of my life is praise.   Sometimes, it is tears, depression, or griping.   However, even in my lack of perfection I can praise Him, because He has made me a creature that can only be saved by faith in Jesus.  And that is closure for sure -- wonderful, marvelous full circle Grace.  What a  wonderful Gift that God would do that for mankind,  send His only Son as a sacrifice for our sinful selves.

So what crazy, wild or small, simple thing am I doing or planning to pass on the encouragement of my sisters in Christ?  I am continuing to step by small step pass on the things I have learned about decluttering my surroundings, as a person who is still very ill.  I am going to continue to administer the facebook pages I have started, and to encourage the people who God is connecting me to, as long as I am able or God calls me to do so.  At least, that is the plan.  Proverbs has a verse that says,  "Do not boast about tomorrow,
For you do not know what a day may bring forth" (Proverbs 27:1, NKJV).
So I guess I am not really doing anything wild or crazy, although I have thought of various things like:  a new award for bloggers (one which I have received, but I have not finished writing about yet), or start a magazine, or start my own .com, which is wild and crazy when you don't have the money for that.  I really don't know right now.  I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, so to speak, baby steps all the way.  And then, I look back and I cannot believe how far I have come.

This is what I would like my sister  dreamers, wherever they are to do.  I would like them to have moments they can look back and see that step by baby step, their lives can change.  Even if they have a chronic illness, if they know God, He has not left them.  They may feel  alone, or like they can never have joy again.  They may think they can never get the clutter out of their houses.  They may feel stuck in that miry clay of whatever valley they are in, but God has a way of escape.  He gives us hope.  He gives us people in our lives that can encourage us.  

So I suppose I am already doing my crazy thing.  I am an imperfect person, who is definitely clutter impaired to a degree, especially since I have been ill;  and, I am encouraging/people to declutter their houses.  Not only that, there are other people who do it better than me.  Well, that is kind of crazy too.  Why bother when I could just point people somewhere else?  I do it because, I was tired of failing;  and, I think one of the reasons I was failing was that I could not keep up with the other ways offered to learn a better way of keeping house, so I would feel even worse about myself.  By the way, if I think of any other ways to encourage other dreamers, I will let you know -- I am pretty sure of that. 

What can I do to invest in other dreamers?  I can encourage them almost daily online.
I want other people to know they don't have to give up, and I want to suggest simple, small steps they can grab hold of to make their own.  We don't have to be perfect to start something:  but we do have to be willing.  In fact, the most proficient professionals mess up.  I know that every time I watch a baseball game with my husband.  Does that keep those guys from playing the game?  No!  They are out there playing day after day.  They cannot fold up  and say, "I made a mistake:  I will never play again.  They keep practicing and they keep playing.  That is life.


So, are you ready to have God-sized dreams, dreamer?  He will help you to take the right size steps for you.  If you have experimented with a dream in the past and you think you failed, look to it as experience, as a lesson learned.  Don't be afraid to dream.  God made us to dream.  He made us in His image, and He is the creator.  Come join us at Holley's blog.  Perhaps, you need to join us, Sister Dreamer,  from  right where you are.

Reviewing "Wounded Warriors"

The Balance Beam

Joy, you ministered to me with your lovely writing.  I could have written those words myself, for I know those lines by heart, in my heart and in my life.  I have not even read the next step to God-sized dreams or written mine, because I was a overcome with feelings of depression over the weariness that comes with Chronic Fatigue taking over my life, Again.  I cried, I prayed, and God has answered giving me more strength of spirit and will, than I have had in a month.  I suppose I was confused again, and growing weary of well-doing, not what God wants of us.  Thank you for the poem and your lovely writing.  You need to publish a book.  You are a true poet.  Truthfully, I would love to read more and hold it in my hand, not a computer.  The computer makes me feel as if I need to think faster, and I feel muddled sometimes.  I want to slow down to those times, where I read through a poetry book or one of those great classic books, [which] we had to read in school, and be inspired to write my own book.  Oh my, how I go on.  Think I will just go slow and grow as God allows.  From one friend and writer to another.  Love, Deborah

About a week ago, I wrote this comment to my friend Joy Lenton, poetess extraordinaire and God-sized dreamer.  It was one of those days I needed something badly -- something that would tell me everything is going to be alright.  My perfectionist attititude of the past has had so many holes poked in it by illness, my confidence in myself and my faith took terrible blows for years;  however, God grows us through hard times -- if we just listen to Him.  Moreover, He teaches us how to follow His plan for our lives -- first holding us in the palm of His hand and teaching us along the way.  Also, God turns the adversity in our lives to opportunities and ministry.

The name of Joy's blog is Words of Joy.  The blog post I am reviewing is Wounded Warriors.  Joy wrote a beautiful introduction that portrays the difficulties of  chronic illness in a shining example of a dim existence.  It hurts in so many ways, both physically and emotionally.

Leap of Faith

But, Joy does not leave the reader with a sad outlook.  She offers hope in the form of scripture and A Prayer for the Hurting.  Her prayer to the Lord is sublime, saying what I know is true.  We are wounded warriors, combatants every day when we have chronic illnesses.  We can pray Joy's prayer that defines who we are and what we are up against, as well as what God does for the afflicted.

Difficult Assignment - well today, it is.

My assignment today is difficult, because I admit that I am depressed.  And right now, it is not invisible, because I am in the same nightgown I have had on for 3 or 4 days.  That sounds gross, and it is an awkward thing to admit.  However, that is part of being ill sometimes -- having awkward, embarrassing things you don't want to admit.  Being this way does not fit my picture of who I am when I am feeling better -- or the person I was before I was ill.  Yes, I know it does not seem to be in the category of Living Better With Invisible Illness;  however, it is something one has to get through when having an invisible illness.  Right now, I am tired of myself, and I realized today, I am like a kid saying, "No, Dad or Mom, I don't want to get up.  I am not going to do it.  It hurts...I'm scared...I refuse...I, I, I, I , I."  

So even though I look and feel like a mess, I am going to step out to do my God-Sized Dream assignment, which is to write about another time I took a positive step in my life. 

This is not me or one of my professors,
but it reminds me of the days I  had
 a professor teaching me how to use
a computer;   and I'm thankful for it.
Image courtesy
 of [Ambro]/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Going back to school after having been married for 17 years and having 3 children was a frightening step for me.  I was comfortable being a wife, a mom, singing in the choir and being Children's Choir Coordinator and director for one of the Children's Choirs.  However, going back to school with teenagers, going to class, and taking tests was daunting.  I had prayed about doing it, but I was still afraid;  until, I saw senior adult ladies with white hair at the college orientation.  When I saw them, I knew I could do it.  If they had the nerve to go back to school as 62-70 somethings, I was going to do it too.  And I did one step at a time

Each step I took gave me more self-confidence as I excelled in learning.  Oh how I enjoyed it!  I was in my niche, and God was right there with me.  Little did I know, I would not be teaching as I had planned, but I would be writing.  However, I didn't know I would be writing about falling down and getting up again, time after time.  But isn't life like that?  Things don't always go our way, or so we think;  but I can trust the God of the Universe, the Creator, the One who knows how many hairs are on my head, and where my path leads.  He revives me, even when I don't think I am ready for revival.  He helps me to take one more baby step on this rocky path, and I grab His hand knowing I can trust my God.  

I just took this step, now I can take another.  Is it so hard to get in the shower?  I don't think so.