Anxiety Over New Direction

Bumps in the road sending me in a new direction.
It all seems so simple in the moments I begin to think about it, 
and then my brain starts whirring like a fan 
in circles, 
sending out ideas,
like drops of water spray, 

here    
                       there

everywhere,          everywhere,       



                          
             everywhere.

I start to back up, rethinking my enthusiasm;
Afraid to start, because
    the titles aren't right
    I will feel too spread out
    What...what if this is not what I am supposed to do?

Full of wasting anxiety over something I haven't done yet,
I cannot think about it until I step away, calm down, and I have to pray.
Where is God taking me now?
I haven't even written my book yet,
Even though I have written enough pages to have written a book.

Funny how stepping away helped,
How realizing it is silly to worry and meaning it in my heart makes a difference,
How my mind feels clear again.

Peace in the middle of the night and a quiet heart go together.

Chihuahua of Fear - the song

Dear Holley, you asked for funny.  I'm not sure if this is funny:  in fact, I feel kind of like I'm about to step in the doggy's dish.  It might fly up and hit me in my face.

Now, you get to see my weird, wild, and wacky side.  Well, I don't know about wild.  But I think the song I thought of is a little wacky.



Image courtesy of [akeeris]
/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was ready to go to sleep, and I was hearing the following song develop in my mind.  Now, I am probably beginning to be a little slap-happy.  If you were here, we could have pizza and gingerale;  then, we could try to sing a duet or trio.  Hey!  Why not make it a four part women's chorus?  

By the way, if this were a slumber party, we could talk about why I chose the word "blinder" to describe the furry little canine of fear.  

Doesn't Fear try to blind us to where God is leading us to go?  


Fear gets in our minds, then to our hearts, trying to impede our progress into the promised land.  However, we don't have to live in fear.  Why?  

Because you are of God, little children and have overcome them...that is what I learned in 1 John 4:4 (NKJV). 

Why?  Because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.  

Amen and Amen!  I love this verse!  I don't have to look it up.  I memorized it a long time ago, because I had a huge problem with fear.  And that fear was more like *The Hound of the Baskervilles than a chihuahua.  

Another word in the chorus of our little song is sidewinder.  A sidewinder is a deadly, pit viper.  And we all know about "he who is in the world."  That is Satan, the Enemy, the Serpent -- the one who tempted Eve and Adam, who were pure and innocent, until they disobeyed God.  

Aren't you glad God is The Greatest, Almighty, Omnipotent?  I am.  I am ecstatic that He is merciful and He is love.  Most of all, I am thankful He provided a way of escape through the price Jesus paid for my sin and for your sin.  Moreover, I rejoice I am His child:  I am His.  Nothing can separate me from His love.  He has already won the victory, and it is written.  It's not a guess.

Sing to the tune of Oh, My Darling Clementine (Free Domain)

Dear Chihuahua of fear, I have a few things I'd like to say to you...


Verse 1:
In a heart, in the dark, lived a doggy most unkind.
He was stout, and all a-bout get-ting in your mind.

Chorus:
Dear chi-hua-hua,
Dear chi-hua-hua,
Dear chi-hua-hua of fear,
You're a blinder,
A side-winder,
Dread chi-hua-hua of fear.

Verse 2:
I read my Bible, the Holy Bible, made it all the way through.
You thought you'd keep me from reading, now you are so blue.

Chorus:
Dear chi-hua-hua,
Dear chi-hua-hua,
Dear chi-hua-hua of fear,
You're a blinder,
A side-winder,
Dread chi-hua-hua of fear.

Now, we should end with a hymn like Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.  I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see...(Rev. John Newton, free domain).  Those are the words I want going through my head. 

My God-sized dream is to read the Bible through in a year.  What is your God-sized dream?  Come join the sister dreamers at Holley Gerth's "Heart to Heart with Holley."  We are a friendly group being hosted at Holley's blog to share our journeys as we travel the paths of our God-sized Dreams.

A Letter to God-Sized Dreamers

Last Tuesday,  I was supposed to publish a letter.   Here is Holley's assignment:  Last week your "do what you can"step for your God-sized dream was to write a post entitled "A Letter to the God-sized Dreamers" telling your sisters why what they're doing and who they're becoming through this process is worth it even on the hard days.  However, I had a problem:  I was feeling sick, tired, and depressed.  I didn't even want to read the other blog posts.  Have you ever felt like all you want to do is hide your head under a blanket, because you are even sick of yourself?  Ugh!

I was in a bad spot, ignoring my letter-writing, because I didn't think there was any way I could possibly write a letter to my sisters when I wasn't measuring up to my own expectations.  However, the good thing, about being in a hard place in your life, is that it forces you to pray.  And God has answered my prayers in unexpected ways this week.  So here it goes, my letter to you.

Dear Sisters, 

Did any of you expect the process of following your God-sized dream to be easy?  I think sometimes we feel like it will be easy;  because in our excitement over the initial dedication to obeying God, we are thinking of the end results and not seeing the whole picture.  However, any of us, that have followed other God-sized dreams, know it is not that simple.  

Don't feel bad if you were feeling idealistic and excited, but you were disappointed when life hit you with some unexpected curves.  They happen:  such is life.  Even at the ripe age of 60, I get that same expectancy when I am planning something new, especially when I am convinced it is a God-thing.    

As I sat here writing you, I began to think of one of the biggest God-sized dreams I have ever embarked upon.  If you guessed marriage, you are right.  This June, my husband and I will celebrate our 42nd wedding anniversary.  I was 19, and he was 21.  We knew the Lord, and he was called to the music ministry.  Wow!  What an adventure!  I had never lived away from home, because I wanted to go to university in our town.  A week after we married we moved to New Orleans, so he could go to seminary.  That was a summer of mixed emotions:  from the high of the honeymoon to the low of being terribly homesick.  And that was only the beginning.

However, the important thing here is our God-sized dream, which was the consecration of our lives and marriage to God.  You see, we really believed in those vows we took, and I think the only one we haven't dealt with is "until death do us part."  God has blessed me with a wonderful, godly husband.  In fact, one of my young prayers was for him to be the spiritual leader of our household;  and, he is. 

I think you will find that God gives you different God-sized dreams at different stages of your life.  If you read the post prior to this one, you will see that I had to trim mine a little.

I hope this gives you some encouragement, that it is worth it -- even when your path gets rocky and hard -- to follow your God-sized dream.  Life doesn't always give us what we expect.  I did not expect to have a chronic illness that is difficult to manage;  however, God has used this to grow me in directions I did not plan.  Also, God was there even when I doubted my own dedication to Him.  He was there when I felt like I could not stand another moment of pain, fatigue, and depression.  He was there when our son and son-in-law died, when 3 of our parents passed.  God has been there every step of the way.  

God gave me back my dreams, when I thought there was no use in even asking for a God-sized dream.  Also, he has showed me I do not always have to take large steps to get there.  When I fall, He picks me up again, just like I would help my own child rise.

Yes, it is worth it God-sized dreamer.  It takes fire to refine gold.  And that is you:  you are a nugget of unrefined gold.  You are God's child.

Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, to the only wise
God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever.  Amen  (KJV, Jude 1:24-25)

Lovingly, from your sister in Christ,

Deborah





P.S  Not Failure, But Discovery -- that is part of what a God-sized dream is about.

Traveling to the Promised Land

God-sized Dream = A desire in your heart for more of what God has for you.                        
                                                                             ~Holley Gerth~

Traveling is not something I often do.  I use to travel out of necessity and because I love seeing our country.  Also, I love visiting with friends and family, but that is something else that I don't do as much as I would like.  If you knew me before I got to the point it hurt too much to move too quickly or too much, I was the lady that was 

• gardening (digging the holes manually with a shovel)
• hiking
• riding my bicycle
• walking through state botanical gardens
• walking the beach
• body surfing with a body board or just my body
• cross-country skiing
• learning to downhill ski
• swimming (I swam almost all the way across Lake Carroll in Tampa, because the wind was blowing my boat away.)
• water-skiing
• rowing my rowboat
• climbing the jungle gym and playing with my children (and grandchildren)
• ballet dancing
• just dancing for the joy of it in my home & the exercise
• playing tennis
• playing golf
• cleaning the whole house in one day
• building a tiny patio in the back yard out of old bricks
• training our dog
• doing jazzercise, dancercize
• running regularly
• roller skating and ice skating.

If I could do even one of those things regularly, I would;  however, it is too painful.  I would be laid up for days doing those things.  It is difficult to walk around the store to shop for groceries sometimes;  however, I do if I can, because I need to move my body.  I was the lady that moved my own furniture when my husband wasn't home.  If I wanted something done, like getting a wheelbarrow of bricks, I did it. I didn't like to wait for help.  I just wanted to get the work done.  My life has changed drastically because of illness.  However because I don't look sick, there are some people that really don't understand.  

In the past, I was in the choir; played piano, was learning to play the organ, taught Vacation Bible School; volunteered to chaperone teenagers on trips; including cooking their meals; and many other activities.  Sometimes, I look back and I wonder how I did all the things I did, sometimes when I was in pain.  The congregation at our present church does not know what my life was like before illness.  I feel like they don't know the real me.   One person actually told me I would feel better if I just started walking up and down the side walk in front of our house, and that was after I had hip surgery.  That person was well-meaning, but she did not understand the nature of an illness that causes a constant energy deficit, that takes longer than the average person's ability to replenish.

What does all this have to do with my God-sized dream and one fear I have?  It is the fear that I will not please God or man, because I am hardly ever able to go to church.  Most of the time, I am too fatigued to go places, even church.  I want to fellowship and worship with my brothers and sisters in Christ;  but often, I just don't have the energy to get out of bed.  When I do get out of bed, I am too fatigued by the time I get dressed to go anywhere.  Mornings are hard for me, because I have a difficult time going to sleep and staying asleep.  It's complicated:  I have more than one illness.

Part of the fear is knowing when I should be pushing myself to do these things.  I have tried:  choir rehearsal, church, singing in the choir, and eventually I have no energy left.  Then, I have a flare-up, and my husband is having to take care of me and be the music/senior adult pastor at our church.  So, I pace myself when I am feeling better and try to minister to his and my needs:  cleaning, straightening, cooking, doing laundry, sending out cards, and buying presents.  You get the general idea -- I try to do the things that makes our home pleasant for him to come home to.  And I don't do that as well as I used to.

Most of the time, I think I have come to terms with this fear or guilt that I am not enough.  I have had time to mourn the loss of my physical abilities and to come to terms with my life.  This is an important point:  I still have a life.  It is not the same, but I am happy.  And God has shown me other ways to reach out to people through writing.   I have reconnected with old friends and made new friends online.  I feel very blessed to have friends and a wonderful family. I also have a wonderful, mighty, gracious, and merciful Father in Heaven that has forgiven me for the times I withdrew from Him and for not spending enough time with Him.  I know He understands me.  He knows me better than I know myself.  

The answer to my fears are in His Word, the Bible.  I could list many favorite scriptures that have ministered to my fears and anxiety;  but for the one I am now writing about, there is a scripture that keeps coming to mind:

For do I now persuade men, or God?  or do I seek to please men?  for if I yet please men, I should not be the servant of Christ  (KJV, Galatians 1:10).

Another applicable scripture would be Proverbs 29:25:  The fear of man bringeth a snare:  but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe (KJV).  Why should I be worrying about what other people think, when I am supposed to be pleasing God?  All the ministry I did when I was healthier was a good thing.  It was the desire of my heart to please God, but I also wanted to please man -- I admit it.  Therefore, when I started missing things because I was sick, the guilt set in.  I had a very good therapist, who is an Episcopal priest.  He taught me how to question what I thought other people were thinking.  This was an exceptionally helpful exercise for me.  It got right down to the heart of things -- my heart and my mind.  Indeed, fearing man is a trap;  therefore, I choose to trust in the Lord.  He has carried me through many deserts, and I am on the way to the Promised Land -- step by step.

He that followeth after righteousness and mercy findeth life, righteousness, and honour (KJV, Proverbs 21:21).

P.S.  This is my updated version.  If you have seen my list of God-sized dreams, you probably have noticed that "going to church" is not on the list;  however, I have added it to my dream diary page.  Actually, it has always been on my mind.  Worshiping God and fellowship with other Christians has always been a priority in my life.

When you have a chronic illness, it is hard to explain to a healthy person how difficult it is to balance your energy output.  It is like being a person with poor balance on a tightrope:  you don't know when you are going to fall off.  I don't think most people with chronic illnesses want other people to coddle them or feel sorry for them.  They just want to be loved for the person they are; and if they have an invisible illness, they don't want to be judged by other people.  A good example would be when someone with a handicapped sticker parks in a handicapped parking space, but they seem to walk normally.  It is not up to us to judge why that person needs a handicapped parking space.