Traveling to the Promised Land

God-sized Dream = A desire in your heart for more of what God has for you.                        
                                                                             ~Holley Gerth~

Traveling is not something I often do.  I use to travel out of necessity and because I love seeing our country.  Also, I love visiting with friends and family, but that is something else that I don't do as much as I would like.  If you knew me before I got to the point it hurt too much to move too quickly or too much, I was the lady that was 

• gardening (digging the holes manually with a shovel)
• hiking
• riding my bicycle
• walking through state botanical gardens
• walking the beach
• body surfing with a body board or just my body
• cross-country skiing
• learning to downhill ski
• swimming (I swam almost all the way across Lake Carroll in Tampa, because the wind was blowing my boat away.)
• water-skiing
• rowing my rowboat
• climbing the jungle gym and playing with my children (and grandchildren)
• ballet dancing
• just dancing for the joy of it in my home & the exercise
• playing tennis
• playing golf
• cleaning the whole house in one day
• building a tiny patio in the back yard out of old bricks
• training our dog
• doing jazzercise, dancercize
• running regularly
• roller skating and ice skating.

If I could do even one of those things regularly, I would;  however, it is too painful.  I would be laid up for days doing those things.  It is difficult to walk around the store to shop for groceries sometimes;  however, I do if I can, because I need to move my body.  I was the lady that moved my own furniture when my husband wasn't home.  If I wanted something done, like getting a wheelbarrow of bricks, I did it. I didn't like to wait for help.  I just wanted to get the work done.  My life has changed drastically because of illness.  However because I don't look sick, there are some people that really don't understand.  

In the past, I was in the choir; played piano, was learning to play the organ, taught Vacation Bible School; volunteered to chaperone teenagers on trips; including cooking their meals; and many other activities.  Sometimes, I look back and I wonder how I did all the things I did, sometimes when I was in pain.  The congregation at our present church does not know what my life was like before illness.  I feel like they don't know the real me.   One person actually told me I would feel better if I just started walking up and down the side walk in front of our house, and that was after I had hip surgery.  That person was well-meaning, but she did not understand the nature of an illness that causes a constant energy deficit, that takes longer than the average person's ability to replenish.

What does all this have to do with my God-sized dream and one fear I have?  It is the fear that I will not please God or man, because I am hardly ever able to go to church.  Most of the time, I am too fatigued to go places, even church.  I want to fellowship and worship with my brothers and sisters in Christ;  but often, I just don't have the energy to get out of bed.  When I do get out of bed, I am too fatigued by the time I get dressed to go anywhere.  Mornings are hard for me, because I have a difficult time going to sleep and staying asleep.  It's complicated:  I have more than one illness.

Part of the fear is knowing when I should be pushing myself to do these things.  I have tried:  choir rehearsal, church, singing in the choir, and eventually I have no energy left.  Then, I have a flare-up, and my husband is having to take care of me and be the music/senior adult pastor at our church.  So, I pace myself when I am feeling better and try to minister to his and my needs:  cleaning, straightening, cooking, doing laundry, sending out cards, and buying presents.  You get the general idea -- I try to do the things that makes our home pleasant for him to come home to.  And I don't do that as well as I used to.

Most of the time, I think I have come to terms with this fear or guilt that I am not enough.  I have had time to mourn the loss of my physical abilities and to come to terms with my life.  This is an important point:  I still have a life.  It is not the same, but I am happy.  And God has shown me other ways to reach out to people through writing.   I have reconnected with old friends and made new friends online.  I feel very blessed to have friends and a wonderful family. I also have a wonderful, mighty, gracious, and merciful Father in Heaven that has forgiven me for the times I withdrew from Him and for not spending enough time with Him.  I know He understands me.  He knows me better than I know myself.  

The answer to my fears are in His Word, the Bible.  I could list many favorite scriptures that have ministered to my fears and anxiety;  but for the one I am now writing about, there is a scripture that keeps coming to mind:

For do I now persuade men, or God?  or do I seek to please men?  for if I yet please men, I should not be the servant of Christ  (KJV, Galatians 1:10).

Another applicable scripture would be Proverbs 29:25:  The fear of man bringeth a snare:  but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe (KJV).  Why should I be worrying about what other people think, when I am supposed to be pleasing God?  All the ministry I did when I was healthier was a good thing.  It was the desire of my heart to please God, but I also wanted to please man -- I admit it.  Therefore, when I started missing things because I was sick, the guilt set in.  I had a very good therapist, who is an Episcopal priest.  He taught me how to question what I thought other people were thinking.  This was an exceptionally helpful exercise for me.  It got right down to the heart of things -- my heart and my mind.  Indeed, fearing man is a trap;  therefore, I choose to trust in the Lord.  He has carried me through many deserts, and I am on the way to the Promised Land -- step by step.

He that followeth after righteousness and mercy findeth life, righteousness, and honour (KJV, Proverbs 21:21).

P.S.  This is my updated version.  If you have seen my list of God-sized dreams, you probably have noticed that "going to church" is not on the list;  however, I have added it to my dream diary page.  Actually, it has always been on my mind.  Worshiping God and fellowship with other Christians has always been a priority in my life.

When you have a chronic illness, it is hard to explain to a healthy person how difficult it is to balance your energy output.  It is like being a person with poor balance on a tightrope:  you don't know when you are going to fall off.  I don't think most people with chronic illnesses want other people to coddle them or feel sorry for them.  They just want to be loved for the person they are; and if they have an invisible illness, they don't want to be judged by other people.  A good example would be when someone with a handicapped sticker parks in a handicapped parking space, but they seem to walk normally.  It is not up to us to judge why that person needs a handicapped parking space.