~Holley Gerth~
Traveling is not something I often do. I use to travel out of necessity and because I love seeing our country. Also, I love visiting with friends and family, but that is something else that I don't do as much as I would like. If you knew me before I got to the point it hurt too much to move too quickly or too much, I was the lady that was
- gardening (digging the holes manually with a shovel)
- hiking
- riding my bicycle
- walking through state botanical gardens
- walking the beach
- body surfing with a body board or just my body
- cross-country skiing
- learning to downhill ski
- swimming (I swam almost all the way across Lake Carroll in Tampa, because the wind was blowing my boat away.)
- water-skiing
- rowing my rowboat
- climbing the jungle gym and playing with my children (and grandchildren)
- ballet dancing
- just dancing for the joy of it in my home & the exercise
- playing tennis
- playing golf
- cleaning the whole house in one day
- building a tiny patio in the back yard out of old bricks
- training our dog
- doing jazzercise, dancercize
- running regularly
- roller skating and ice skating.
If I could do even one of those things regularly, I would; however, it is too painful. I would be laid up for days doing those things. It is difficult to walk around the store to shop for groceries sometimes; however, I do if I can, because I need to move my body. I was the lady that moved my own furniture when my husband wasn't home. If I wanted something done, like getting a wheelbarrow of bricks, I did it. I didn't like to wait for help. I just wanted to get the work done. My life has changed drastically because of illness. However because I don't look sick, there are some people that really don't understand.
In the past, I was in the choir; played piano, was learning to play the organ, taught Vacation Bible School; volunteered to chaperone teenagers on trips; including cooking their meals; and many other activities. Sometimes, I look back and I wonder how I did all the things I did, sometimes when I was in pain. The congregation at our present church does not know what my life was like before illness. I feel like they don't know the real me. One person actually told me I would feel better if I just started walking up and down the side walk in front of our house, and that was after I had hip surgery. That person was well-meaning, but she did not understand the nature of an illness that causes a constant energy deficit, that takes longer than the average person's ability to replenish.
In the past, I was in the choir; played piano, was learning to play the organ, taught Vacation Bible School; volunteered to chaperone teenagers on trips; including cooking their meals; and many other activities. Sometimes, I look back and I wonder how I did all the things I did, sometimes when I was in pain. The congregation at our present church does not know what my life was like before illness. I feel like they don't know the real me. One person actually told me I would feel better if I just started walking up and down the side walk in front of our house, and that was after I had hip surgery. That person was well-meaning, but she did not understand the nature of an illness that causes a constant energy deficit, that takes longer than the average person's ability to replenish.
What does all this have to do with my God-sized dream and one fear I have? It is the fear that I will not please God or man, because I am hardly ever able to go to church. Most of the time, I am too fatigued to go places, even church. I want to fellowship and worship with my brothers and sisters in Christ; but often, I just don't have the energy to get out of bed. When I do get out of bed, I am too fatigued by the time I get dressed to go anywhere. Mornings are hard for me, because I have a difficult time going to sleep and staying asleep. It's complicated: I have more than one illness.
Part of the fear is knowing when I should be pushing myself to do these things. I have tried: choir rehearsal, church, singing in the choir, and eventually I have no energy left. Then, I have a flare-up, and my husband is having to take care of me and be the music/senior adult pastor at our church. So, I pace myself when I am feeling better and try to minister to his and my needs: cleaning, straightening, cooking, doing laundry, sending out cards, and buying presents. You get the general idea -- I try to do the things that makes our home pleasant for him to come home to. And I don't do that as well as I used to.
Most of the time, I think I have come to terms with this fear or guilt that I am not enough. I have had time to mourn the loss of my physical abilities and to come to terms with my life. This is an important point: I still have a life. It is not the same, but I am happy. And God has shown me other ways to reach out to people through writing. I have reconnected with old friends and made new friends online. I feel very blessed to have friends and a wonderful family. I also have a wonderful, mighty, gracious, and merciful Father in Heaven that has forgiven me for the times I withdrew from Him and for not spending enough time with Him. I know He understands me. He knows me better than I know myself.
The answer to my fears are in His Word, the Bible. I could list many favorite scriptures that have ministered to my fears and anxiety; but for the one I am now writing about, there is a scripture that keeps coming to mind:
For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet please men, I should not be the servant of Christ (KJV, Galatians 1:10).
Another applicable scripture would be Proverbs 29:25: The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe (KJV). Why should I be worrying about what other people think, when I am supposed to be pleasing God? All the ministry I did when I was healthier was a good thing. It was the desire of my heart to please God, but I also wanted to please man -- I admit it. Therefore, when I started missing things because I was sick, the guilt set in. I had a very good therapist, who is an Episcopal priest. He taught me how to question what I thought other people were thinking. This was an exceptionally helpful exercise for me. It got right down to the heart of things -- my heart and my mind. Indeed, fearing man is a trap; therefore, I choose to trust in the Lord. He has carried me through many deserts, and I am on the way to the Promised Land -- step by step.
He that followeth after righteousness and mercy findeth life, righteousness, and honour (KJV, Proverbs 21:21).
P.S. This is my updated version. If you have seen my list of God-sized dreams, you probably have noticed that "going to church" is not on the list; however, I have added it to my dream diary page. Actually, it has always been on my mind. Worshiping God and fellowship with other Christians has always been a priority in my life.
When you have a chronic illness, it is hard to explain to a healthy person how difficult it is to balance your energy output. It is like being a person with poor balance on a tightrope: you don't know when you are going to fall off. I don't think most people with chronic illnesses want other people to coddle them or feel sorry for them. They just want to be loved for the person they are; and if they have an invisible illness, they don't want to be judged by other people. A good example would be when someone with a handicapped sticker parks in a handicapped parking space, but they seem to walk normally. It is not up to us to judge why that person needs a handicapped parking space.
He that followeth after righteousness and mercy findeth life, righteousness, and honour (KJV, Proverbs 21:21).
P.S. This is my updated version. If you have seen my list of God-sized dreams, you probably have noticed that "going to church" is not on the list; however, I have added it to my dream diary page. Actually, it has always been on my mind. Worshiping God and fellowship with other Christians has always been a priority in my life.
When you have a chronic illness, it is hard to explain to a healthy person how difficult it is to balance your energy output. It is like being a person with poor balance on a tightrope: you don't know when you are going to fall off. I don't think most people with chronic illnesses want other people to coddle them or feel sorry for them. They just want to be loved for the person they are; and if they have an invisible illness, they don't want to be judged by other people. A good example would be when someone with a handicapped sticker parks in a handicapped parking space, but they seem to walk normally. It is not up to us to judge why that person needs a handicapped parking space.
